Questioning Christianity

I call myself a questioning Christian.

I call myself a questioning Christian because I don’t know what else to call myself. I don’t have a label that fits. I’m not, “spiritual but not religious.” I’m not an atheist. I’m not agnostic. I believe in God most of the time. I think Jesus was a righteous dude (please hear this in the secretary’s voice from “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”).

I don’t believe Christianity is the only way to what we call, “heaven.” I don’t know what happens to us when we die, though I am confident that it is good. I don’t believe in hell. I don’t believe that religion is what makes people good (or bad). I believe religion is imperfect because people are imperfect.

I love going to traditional services at church. I love going to Catholic and Lutheran services because they are grand and romantic and beautiful. I love that I will generally know what to say and when to say it. I love the repetition. I love being a part of something greater than myself. I love having a community.

.....

The reason I call myself a questioning Christian is because other Christians drive me crazy.

It drives me crazy when Christians spout hate in the name of, “loving the sinner, hating the sin.” It drives me crazy when Christians ban people from coming to church or when they make people feel unwelcome. It drives me crazy when Christians claim homosexuality is a sin, but fail to acknowledge that Leviticus 20:9 says that whoever cusses at their parents deserves death; that these Christians decide that one line in the Old Testament is enough proof to discriminate, but the rest of that chapter doesn’t apply.

It drives me crazy that Christians claim anti-Islamic hate, but conveniently forget about all the damage and death we have caused over the years. It drives me crazy when Christians are manipulative; when they pretend to be nice to get you to come to church with them, or to give them enough “bonus points” to get into heaven. It drives me crazy that even though the Bible tells us not to be judgmental, Christians are - without a doubt - the most judgmental people I know.

It drives me crazy when I hear about churches who brainwash their congregants; who tell them that the answers to their difficult life questions are easy, who give answers out like candy on Halloween and get angry or dismissive when students in Sunday school ask questions. When churches tell their members who to vote for, or what “issues” are important or not. When churches spread fear instead of love, or say that a neighbor church is too liberal or conservative.

When Christians pressure their friends to come to church with them and ostracize them if they chose not to. When Christians claim to be pro-life while ignoring everyone suffering outside of the womb, starving or unwanted. When Christians judge their own brothers and sisters in Christ for who they date, how they date, or how modest their clothes are. 

When Christians claim that their particular way is the only way. When Christians claim that Jesus said condoms are bad. When Christians cite Bible verses like rain drops in a storm, yet haven’t learned about the social context of the text and have no desire to. When I’m told that I am sinful for being educated on religious matters instead of rejoicing in ignorance.

I’ve been told that I’m not a Christian because I don’t believe the Bible is the literal Word of God, but a book written by human men who were inspired by God. I’ve been told I’m not a Christian because I don’t believe in Hell.

I have never told anyone that they were not a Christian.

Sometimes it seems like I agree with atheists and agnostics more than other Christians. Sometimes when Jake and I have religious discussions, he will say something negative about the Christian church, look over at me, and apologize. I tell him there’s no need to apologize. Whatever he’s said, I’ve thought about or said myself.

Through all of this, I don’t want to stop calling myself a Christian.

It’s not that I care what people will say or think if I said I was agnostic. My mom would be upset, but I have already forever disappointed her for loving pixie cuts better than long hair, so I’m sure she would get over it. I have a lot of Christian friends, but I also have a lot of friends who don’t believe in God at all.. I just really, really love The Church.

I love what The Church does for the poor. I love that The Church advocates for people who have nothing, who go hungry, who feel alone. I love reading the Old and New Testaments and finding something new each time I pick up the pages. I loved being a religion major and thinking critically about these things, not just accepting them as Truth and moving on. I love that the core of Christianity is radical love!

I love that the ELCA church embraces doubt and questioning, because without them, faith would be flimsy and weak. This church is the reason that I don’t worry about questioning my faith, because I know that every time I come back to it and say, “Yes, I am a Christian after all!” my faith has just become that must stronger than someone who has never doubted.

I love my friends who are Christians, because they remind me every day that although Christians (aka people) are imperfect, there are many Christians out in the world who do their best to be understanding and loving. I love that Erin Broich wrote about why she loves the Catholic church even when she doesn’t always agree with its practices or teachings. I love that when Erin Guzman was trying to decide on a denomination, she made a giant pro-con list on our wall. I love that Hannah is joyful about her faith, but is okay with questioning it. I love that Kelsey is thoughtful and curious about her faith and doesn’t judge me when I’m confused. I love everyone who went to RLC Worship last year on Wednesday nights and made me feel at home when I was fully prepared not to. I love that we hugged during the passing of the peace. I love that people of all backgrounds and faiths came to worship, and that I didn’t always agree with them.

I call myself a questioning Christian because I don’t know what else to call myself.

Maybe what fits me better is a hopeful Christian; someone who sees how imperfect and awful Christians can be, but also sees a light at the end of a tunnel. Even while I see Christians who are judgmental, ignorant and cruel, I similarly see Christians who are gentle, kind and loving and give me hope for the future of Our Church. I have hope that I will want to associate myself, unapologetically and without shame, with Christians again.

For now, I’m holding on by faith.

xo Madie

A Little Pocket of Hope

Sometimes the world sucks.  That’s just a fact of life.  And sometimes the world sucks so much that you are on the verge of losing all hope that there is anything in it that can give you any kind sense that humanity can do better.  You feel an almost bone-crushing despair at the state of the world and start to think, "What's the point?" when it comes to fighting for what you believe is right.  But then, something happens.  It can be a big something, like the Supreme Court finally hearing cases regarding same-sex marriage in the United States, acknowledging that this isn't something that is just going to go away, but is an issue of equality that cannot and should not be ignored.  Or, it can be something little, like the opening of a pregnancy center in a small town in Iowa that is actually trying to practices what it preaches about pro-life.  It’s the second hopeful something that I want to focus one in this post.  But before I actually begin, I have a confession to make.

I’m pro-life. 






Your reaction is probably:
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There, it's out there.  Now, before you jump on my case about feminist (which I do consider myself to be one) ideals and choices, let me actually explain what I mean when I say that I am pro-life.  What being pro-life means to me (and what I think it should mean for anyone who claims to be it) is that I am pro-guaranteeing a quality of life for everyone, which includes at least the basic comfort and needs of survival without question, as well as preserving lives.  Pro-life should not only mean anti-abortion, but should include being anti-death penalty and pro-affordable health care for all, whatever that looks like.  For me (personally) it also means being pro-contraception in order to offer a better quality of life for all people (but that is a whole issue in and of itself that I won’t get into here).  It should (for everyone again) also mean having a respect for all the lives around you, no matter the gender, race, religion, sexuality, or class, and working to bring about a world that isn’t going to ignore people when they cry out for help. 

Sadly for many, it seems being pro-life has been reduced to merely meaning anti-abortion.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not pro-abortion, but I understand it as an unfortunate solution that has developed because of a much deeper problem within society.  That problem is how our society approaches sex and sexuality, and specifically when attaching it to women and women’s health.   Let’s be honest, when a U.S. Senator, an individual who is educated and in the public forum, makes a claim saying women can’t get pregnant through “legitimate rape”, you know something really fucked-up is going on.  That’s about the time society as a whole should look at itself and say, “Hmmm…this is a problem.  We should fix this.  Do we actually know what we are talking about anymore?”  When people say that women get abortions because they just don’t want the baby, period, they are straight up wrong.  Yes, some abortions happen for that reason, but some happen because of rape or health, and a lot more happen because a woman (usually a young one) makes a mistake.  She and her partner didn’t really understand how much complexity there is in having sex, and then she didn’t have the resources or the support to do anything but terminate the pregnancy because society just decided that, “Your mess, you fix it”.  So while I am not necessarily pro-abortion (and I honestly don’t think many of my strong, independent, pro-choice feminist female friends think that abortion, at its root, is a good thing), I am pro-let’s-actually-look-at-these-issues-bringing-women-fully-into-the-conversation-so-we-can-figure-out-what-really-needs-to-happen-in-our-society-so-that-this-doesn’t-need-to-be-an-option-and-oh-yeah-Jesus.

 

Oh no, she brought Jesus into it.  Yeah, I did.  I went there.  You want to know why?  Because this is an issue religious people tend to have a lot to say about.  I get it.  I’m religious, I care about the issue, and I have some stuff to say about it.  What often happens, though, is that Churches, religious organizations, and the people who are apart of them focus their pro-life beliefs only on being anti-abortion.  But the actual problem doesn’t go away when the abortion clinic shuts down.  If you’re going to preach it, you have got to be prepared with something else to offer instead.  That is why when I cracked open my paper from back home the other day (yes, I get my hometown paper…shut up), I was pleasantly surprised to find an article about the Cornerstone for Life Pregnancy Resource Center that has just recently opened.

It’s a small operation so far, but hopes to expand its network of care within the near future.  Currently, the center offers pregnancy tests and counseling, and is forming counseling ministry for those women who have had abortions and seek such an outlet for their feelings towards the decision.  They also hope to partner with an adoption center, which gave me a bit of personal happiness.  There are a lot more things this center hopes to accomplish as it grows, but what it is ultimately offering is a support system.  It is a place for women who are unexpectedly pregnant, and don’t necessarily want to have to go the abortion route, to go and be a part of a community of people they can relate to and receive support from.  While I don’t know every detail about the center, just its existence gives me hope.  It shows that there are people in the world who aren’t just looking for a band-aid solution, but recognize a need for much more intentional involvement in solving the bigger problem.  And they are doing it while maintaining their faith, by not just preaching it but by actually going out and acting on it in a way that could be beneficial to society at large.  I pray that more religious people and Churches who preach the message of pro-life can look to this example of active faith.  That through this relatively small thing our world can get just a little bit better…a little more hopeful.  Does it give you a little more hope?  Let me know what you think. 

Bye for now!
Erin B.