Questioning Christianity

I call myself a questioning Christian.

I call myself a questioning Christian because I don’t know what else to call myself. I don’t have a label that fits. I’m not, “spiritual but not religious.” I’m not an atheist. I’m not agnostic. I believe in God most of the time. I think Jesus was a righteous dude (please hear this in the secretary’s voice from “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”).

I don’t believe Christianity is the only way to what we call, “heaven.” I don’t know what happens to us when we die, though I am confident that it is good. I don’t believe in hell. I don’t believe that religion is what makes people good (or bad). I believe religion is imperfect because people are imperfect.

I love going to traditional services at church. I love going to Catholic and Lutheran services because they are grand and romantic and beautiful. I love that I will generally know what to say and when to say it. I love the repetition. I love being a part of something greater than myself. I love having a community.

.....

The reason I call myself a questioning Christian is because other Christians drive me crazy.

It drives me crazy when Christians spout hate in the name of, “loving the sinner, hating the sin.” It drives me crazy when Christians ban people from coming to church or when they make people feel unwelcome. It drives me crazy when Christians claim homosexuality is a sin, but fail to acknowledge that Leviticus 20:9 says that whoever cusses at their parents deserves death; that these Christians decide that one line in the Old Testament is enough proof to discriminate, but the rest of that chapter doesn’t apply.

It drives me crazy that Christians claim anti-Islamic hate, but conveniently forget about all the damage and death we have caused over the years. It drives me crazy when Christians are manipulative; when they pretend to be nice to get you to come to church with them, or to give them enough “bonus points” to get into heaven. It drives me crazy that even though the Bible tells us not to be judgmental, Christians are - without a doubt - the most judgmental people I know.

It drives me crazy when I hear about churches who brainwash their congregants; who tell them that the answers to their difficult life questions are easy, who give answers out like candy on Halloween and get angry or dismissive when students in Sunday school ask questions. When churches tell their members who to vote for, or what “issues” are important or not. When churches spread fear instead of love, or say that a neighbor church is too liberal or conservative.

When Christians pressure their friends to come to church with them and ostracize them if they chose not to. When Christians claim to be pro-life while ignoring everyone suffering outside of the womb, starving or unwanted. When Christians judge their own brothers and sisters in Christ for who they date, how they date, or how modest their clothes are. 

When Christians claim that their particular way is the only way. When Christians claim that Jesus said condoms are bad. When Christians cite Bible verses like rain drops in a storm, yet haven’t learned about the social context of the text and have no desire to. When I’m told that I am sinful for being educated on religious matters instead of rejoicing in ignorance.

I’ve been told that I’m not a Christian because I don’t believe the Bible is the literal Word of God, but a book written by human men who were inspired by God. I’ve been told I’m not a Christian because I don’t believe in Hell.

I have never told anyone that they were not a Christian.

Sometimes it seems like I agree with atheists and agnostics more than other Christians. Sometimes when Jake and I have religious discussions, he will say something negative about the Christian church, look over at me, and apologize. I tell him there’s no need to apologize. Whatever he’s said, I’ve thought about or said myself.

Through all of this, I don’t want to stop calling myself a Christian.

It’s not that I care what people will say or think if I said I was agnostic. My mom would be upset, but I have already forever disappointed her for loving pixie cuts better than long hair, so I’m sure she would get over it. I have a lot of Christian friends, but I also have a lot of friends who don’t believe in God at all.. I just really, really love The Church.

I love what The Church does for the poor. I love that The Church advocates for people who have nothing, who go hungry, who feel alone. I love reading the Old and New Testaments and finding something new each time I pick up the pages. I loved being a religion major and thinking critically about these things, not just accepting them as Truth and moving on. I love that the core of Christianity is radical love!

I love that the ELCA church embraces doubt and questioning, because without them, faith would be flimsy and weak. This church is the reason that I don’t worry about questioning my faith, because I know that every time I come back to it and say, “Yes, I am a Christian after all!” my faith has just become that must stronger than someone who has never doubted.

I love my friends who are Christians, because they remind me every day that although Christians (aka people) are imperfect, there are many Christians out in the world who do their best to be understanding and loving. I love that Erin Broich wrote about why she loves the Catholic church even when she doesn’t always agree with its practices or teachings. I love that when Erin Guzman was trying to decide on a denomination, she made a giant pro-con list on our wall. I love that Hannah is joyful about her faith, but is okay with questioning it. I love that Kelsey is thoughtful and curious about her faith and doesn’t judge me when I’m confused. I love everyone who went to RLC Worship last year on Wednesday nights and made me feel at home when I was fully prepared not to. I love that we hugged during the passing of the peace. I love that people of all backgrounds and faiths came to worship, and that I didn’t always agree with them.

I call myself a questioning Christian because I don’t know what else to call myself.

Maybe what fits me better is a hopeful Christian; someone who sees how imperfect and awful Christians can be, but also sees a light at the end of a tunnel. Even while I see Christians who are judgmental, ignorant and cruel, I similarly see Christians who are gentle, kind and loving and give me hope for the future of Our Church. I have hope that I will want to associate myself, unapologetically and without shame, with Christians again.

For now, I’m holding on by faith.

xo Madie

Christianity and Romance - A Pre-V-Day Read

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Whether you’re planning a romantic evening with your significant other or intend to protest the Hallmarked-out holiday I think we should talk about romance.  Particularly from a Christian point of view. I find it a bit strange that, in a culture of cliché love songs, romantic comedies, and a multi-million dollar wedding industry, when it comes to the Church we have lost all understanding of romantic love for others.  Sure, Christianity, and Jesus’ ministry in particular, is centered on love—we are to love the poor, the less fortunate, and our enemies. We are to love and honor our parents and we are to remain in community with the entire Church. And yet, when it comes to marriage, sexuality, and sexual relations, there is very little mention of romantic love or the importance of having a true emotional and mutual connection with another. Spending a lot of time with Christians and seminarians (many married/in committed relationships) I don’t hear a lot of conversation surrounding romantic love. We do talk about love – we converse about the Greek word Agape – a true and unconditional love for and by God. But, where the hell is Eros? Eros, another Greek word, most closely identified as a passionate, sensual, and intimate love is not present in the Bible and rarely comes up in a Christian context. 

Now, to be fair, I’m not a romantic person. I’m quite cynical actually, but I’m still concerned that a lack of romantic love within the Christian tradition is problematic. Romantic love is about intimacy and becoming close to another, not just emotionally but physically as well. Romantic love is the attraction one has for another, it is an excitement and an enthusiasm, and it is a desire and longing to understand another in a physical, spiritual, and emotional manner. This romantic love, of infatuation and complete vulnerability to another, is often passed by when the Church and theologians talk about marriage or sexual relationships.  

As Christians we are seeking out a relationship with Christ and want to truly know him. However, how can we go about coming to know Christ in an intimate way, if we cannot even come to know another man or woman in an intimate way? Romantic love, in all of its dreamy idealism and enthusiasm, illustrates intimacy in a positive and outward way. Romantic love brings desire to the forefront, a feeling which at its very nature is religious, not sexual. Desire is a longing for closeness and intimacy, a yearning, a wanting of more also desire to know God better, both in God’s humanity and divinity. Integrating romantic love into the Church and allowing for emotion and vulnerability to take over a part of our lives makes us more readily available to Jesus Christ. 

I want romance, people. Hot, steamy, passion-filled, erotic romance. And, I think romantic love is possible to incorporate in the Church and will only help us lead more faithful Christian lives.

This isn’t all that new. Let’s look at the genre of erotic and courtly love literature of early Christian mystics. My girl Mechthild of Magdeburg was a rock star at incorporating this language of eroticism and romantic passion. Here’s just a brief excerpt: 

                                I cannot dance Lord, unless you lead me.

                                If you want me to leap with abandon,

                                You must intone the song.

                                Then I shall leap into love,

                                From love into knowledge,

                                From knowledge into enjoyment,

                                And from enjoyment beyond all human sensations.

                                There I want to remain, yet also want to circle higher still.

                                (Flowing Light of the Godhead)

In closing an eye to the use of the word ‘Lord’ as a title within the reading, the verse could easily be talking about a human lover, who has filled her with a sense of love and a desire for more. Just as we desire to be closer to God and come to know God more fully, we long to be one with our romantic partners. Ideally, a romantic relationship with another culminates when you reveal your deepest secrets, thoughts, and desires to your partner. Mechthild has bared her soul; her love with Christ is evolving, and although she remains in a state of perfection and harmony, she still seeks more. In that same way, if directed toward a romantic partner, human beings are seeking to share their journey with someone and to bare their whole self to another. Mechthild illustrates the same kind of love that many contemporary sources are illustrating in the modern entertainment industry (an entertainment industry that seems to thrive off of romantic love). For example, let’s take a look at my other girl T-Swift for a sec:

                                ‘Cause I don't know how it gets better than this.

                                You take my hand and drag me head first, Fearless.

                                And I don't know why, but with you I'd dance in a storm

                                In my best dress, Fearless.

                                (Fearless, Taylor Swift)

In the same fashion that Mechthild talks about submitting to God (I cannot dance Lord, unless you lead me), Swift sings of submitting to a romantic lover (You take my hand and drag me head first…). Both verses imply a sense of chasing after, of gratitude for, and of being in union with another, for the good of both parties. Both songs also bring about a sense of fulfillment and absolutely gratification. As Mechthild says, “and from the enjoyment beyond all human sensations, there I want to remain,” she really means “cause I don’t know how it gets better than this,” both in reference to a loving, intimate, and romantic relationship that has provided the writer with a sense of complete emotional gratification. 

Just as Swift’s music is an expression of romantic love in her life which allows listeners to imagine, formulate, and desire an all-encompassing love like she describes in her song, a mystic’s use of erotic language does the same—pushes readers beyond their own limitations toward a relationship with God.  

Romantic love exists, and its existence allows for individuals to go farther than traditional concepts of love and enter into new, more intimate engagements with others.It is not the intention of romantic or sexual love to replace the religious love we feel for God, but it is to include romantic love as a way to better understand Jesus, ourselves, and our relationships with others. The fact that this romantic and passionate love has existed within the tradition of mysticism, and exists today within our romance-obsessed, Valentine’s Day driven, and candlelit dinner inspired fantasies, is an indication of the necessity of romantic love in our relationship with God and with others. 

Romantic love encompasses both the emotional and the physical sides of desire, passion, and attraction. Romantically loving someone  means caring for them, trusting them, wanting the best for them, and seeking to join with them in thought and in action. This love flourishes when one allows oneself to become as vulnerable as possible with another—in others words completely revealing one’s heart and soul and feelings to another human being. 

Love is everywhere. Listen to the radio, turn on the television, flip through the Bible. Love is present in the world. The problem is not that love does not exist or that love is not practiced, but that romantic love is not held to as high of a standard as other types of love within the Christian tradition. Inserting romantic and passionate love into the Church’s teachings ables human beings to harness the often unpredictable and idealistic romantic love found throughout the media and in fairytales, in a healthy way. Understanding romantic love as a much deeper and meaningful expression enhances our relationships with the Divine. 

So, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Whether you’re single or taken, take a minute or two to understand romance in your life and how romance might complement your faith rather than be distinct from it. 

Also, write some erotic love poetry. Because, it’s good for you.