Being Unapolgetically Me

For real though.

For the past couple of months, I’ve been doing the online dating thing.  I’ve had mostly mixed feelings so far, and am thinking of taking a break from it for a little while once March is over.  It’s not that I have anything against online dating.  I have several friends and family members who met their significant others that way, and are very happy.  I’ve just never been good at non-face-to-face interactions, so this whole experience has been way out of my comfort zone, and quite frankly exhausting.

My lack of game and smoothness online is not the point of this post, though.  As uncomfortable as this process has made me, it has also made me very aware of a few things about myself.  Today in particular, I had a very major epiphany moment.  I realized that when interacting with potential romantic partners, there were some things about myself that I hesitated to tell them.  One of these things, notably, was my career.  I would intentionally put off telling the guys I talked to that I was a campus minister.  Why?  In all honesty, it’s because I didn’t want them to jump to any conclusions or draw on any stereotypes they might have for that type of job and apply them to me.  I was scared of being judged for doing something I love.  And I do LOVE my ministry.  I love it and I am proud of it.  I worked hard to get my degree and find my job, and I was lucky enough to find a position that was exactly what I wanted to do in the area I wanted to be in.  In summary: my career rocks, and anyone who wants to try and judge me for it can suck it.

That’s easy to say now, after my epiphany moment earlier today.  It wasn’t just my job, though.  There were other, more personal things and choices I’ve made that I was scared I would be judged for.  I was scared if a guy learned some of these things, he would bolt and I’d never find love.  I’d end up alone, with twelve cats, living in a cabin in the woods and wearing floral nightgowns everyday (yeah…I’ve thought pretty carefully about this).  So, to avoid this fate, I hid things about myself and hoped I could get a guy to fall for me before he needed to know any of my “secrets.”

That was stupid.  I was being so incredibly stupid, and worse yet, I was chipping away at my self-esteem bit by tiny bit.  Self-esteem I’d spent years building up, but that was still fairly delicate.  It wasn’t until one particular conversation, where I was dodging questions out of fear of revealing one of my “secrets” that I realized how totally idiotic I was being.  I have nothing to be ashamed of, about any of the choices I’ve made, and what’s more, I’m not sorry for any of them.  So why should I be afraid to be totally honest with the guys I was talking to?  Didn’t I want to be with someone who accepted me for who I was, what I did, and what I valued?  Did I really want to be with someone who didn’t accept me for who I really was?  Someone I had to change myself to be with?

No.  Hell no.  I’d rather be single.

That’s when the epiphany really hit.  I have no reason to hide anything about myself from anyone.  I’m not ashamed of myself, I’m not embarrassed by what I do.  I’m good at what I do, and I’m proud of who I am.  If a guy is scared off by anything that I bring to the table, that’s his problem, not mine.  Dating in the adult world is hard enough without pretending to be someone I’m not, or wasting time with people who don’t actually like me.  So, I’m going to keep at it, but I’m not going to play games.  I’m going to be honest.  I’m going to be myself.  Maybe I’ll find someone, maybe I won’t.  However I end up, though, I’m going to be me, and I’m not going to apologize for it.

Have you ever held part of yourself back in a relationship because you were afraid of rejection?  Are you lucky enough to have someone who does accept everything about you?  Tell me about it in the comment section below.  The good, the bad…we all have stories to tell.

Until next time,

Erin B.

Because I like to end on a laugh.  P.S. if anyone throws any of these your way, online or in person, RUN!

Summertime Recap

Hello, loyal Her/Story readers!  It's been a while, hasn't it?  Sorry about that, but summer...ya know?  This post isn't going to be anything real intellectually or spiritually substantial (I gotta ease back into this), but I kind of wanted to tell you all a little about my summer and what shenanigans I managed to tangle myself in.



Me at the JFK Museum

I spent the whole month of June in Boston, and was super poor so I didn't do a whole lot.  What I did do, though, was pretty sweet.  I finished editing manuscript one of my trilogy (there may be a promotional blog post about this later...stay tuned).  This was significant because editing is my LEAST favorite part of the whole book-writing process.  I was able to explore the city, though, and that was great because I hadn't been able to do a ton of that kind of thing during the school year.  I marched in the Pride Parade, which was an experience I will never forget.  I visited museums (I highly recommend visiting the JFK memorial museum and library if you're ever in the area), and spent time with many of my friends, growing closer in my relationships since we were without the overshadowing presence of school stress.  I even went to Maine, which. Is. GORGEOUS.





Glorious Maine

Most of my summer, however, I spent in Iowa with my family.  Circumstances made it necessary for me to fly home for an extended period of time, but I wasn't really upset about it.  I love Boston, and I love all of my friends there.  But I never miss Boston like I miss Iowa (

and when do miss Boston, it's mostly because of my friends there).  When I miss Iowa, I get this dull ache in my chest, like my heart is desperate to be there.  A lot of that has to do with my family (save for a cousin in Texas, pretty much my entire family, immediate and extended, is in Iowa and Nebraska), but some of it really has to do with the state itself and what goes on there.  I love Iowa in the summer.  Near the middle of summer, it gets really beautiful when the fields are green for miles and meets a wide, pure blue sky.  When faced with that, I can't help be feel happy and content.

I loved being home.  I got to watch my little brother rock at varsity baseball (he's going to be a sophomore), and help my sister prepare for her next life adventure...college.  I got to spend time with my mom and my dad, joking, teasing, pranking, and fighting.  I was able to see much of my extended families, through reunions of various sorts.  I hung out with some of my closest friends, and even participated in one of their weddings.  I turned 24!  I also was able to find work, and received a much appreciated scholarship that's going to go a long ways to ease my financial burdens over these next few months. 

All-in-all, my time in Iowa was wonderful, and I'm sad to be leaving.  I'm not sad to be going back to Boston, though.  Like I said, I miss my friends there and am ready to get back into a routine with school.  I have one year left before I'm forced to face the real world, and though I would love to come back to Iowa (or nearby) right away, I'm leaving myself open to whatever opportunities may arise in the near future.  I'm happy with my life, and I'm happy with where I think it's headed.  But, as summer starts drawing to a close, it's a little bittersweet.  I know that I will never be able to repeat several of the experiences I had over these last few months, and that next summer will look very different that this one has.  That's okay, though...it's part of growing up (or so I've been told).  So, I hope you all had a great summer as well.  I also hope you stay with Her/Story, and continue to read and interact with us.  We love doing this, and as we enter our second year of blogging together, we hope to continue doing this for a while.  Until next time!

Erin B.