Views expressed in this blog are solely the author's experience and opinions. They are not intended to speak for other or all queer-identified people.
Two years ago, almost to the day, I came to the beautiful conclusion that I am attracted to women. It was a moment alive with emotion and enlightenment - the dawn of a new day.
Hey, I took this picture!
Others might call it a panic attack (which may or may not have involved my head over my toilet, gasping for air).
It's been quite the journey, and those who know me know that I've changed along the way. I've also changed the language I use to identity myself.
I came out to my parents using not very eloquent language, essentially spitting out that I was "s-s-something other than s-s-straight...even though I might never date a woman."
A couple of years later I comfortably use the term lesbian. Somewhere along the line I claimed words like "bisexual" and "queer" to try to put a name to my...condition.
The summer before I came out, I expressed to my best friend that "uhh...if sexuality really is a spectrum, maybe I'm somewhere on it...?"
Her response? "Well, Kelsey, I guess I am too. I mean, I'm attracted to Angelina Jolie."
people.com
The point is that in two years I went from "so maybe I don't just like boys" to easily taking the "lesbian" descriptor.
Why is this?
There are a couple of reasons. First of all, as I will explain to anyone who asks, I've grown comfortable with the thought that chances are that I'll settle down with a woman, not a man. I can't guarantee that I will never date a man again, but listen folks. I dated 13 of them before I turned 22. I tried really hard to be straight.
The more complicated reason that I've taken the fetching "L Word" title is that it's just freaking easier than trying to explain that I may or may not be somewhere on an imaginary spectrum.
I have a friend who identifies as bisexual, but lesbians always assume she's one of "the gays" and straight people always assume she sticks to dating men.
And the truth is, if you lined up every person in this planet, I would probably pick out many more women than men that I find attractive. But to be fair, I haven't seen every person in the world, so I can't say for sure.
But, if you read between the lines here, what I'm admitting is that I am sometimes attracted to men. (Collective gasp.)
Story time! When my girlfriend was first coming out (before we were dating), she said to me one day, "But Kelsey! What if I come out to all of my family and then I end up marrying a man?" And I said to her, "Lisa, are you attracted to me?" To which the obvious response is "yes." And I said, "Then stop worrying about it."
But it's a legit fear, folks. I've spent the last two years coming out to people. That's a lot of time and effort.
I got drinks with a friend a few weeks ago, and we were talking about my lesbian-ship. (Yeah, that's a word.) And I explained this convoluted I-think-I'll-probably-be-with-a-woman-but-I-can't-guarantee-it business and that's when he said it. "You're not even a real lesbian!"
Well shit.
Is that true?
I'm not going to lie to you friends, I'm attracted tothe sexiest man alive(which those closest to me either love or hate about me). I'm attracted to some men, sometimes. It happens occasionally.
So here I was, in the midst of another identity crisis - but I was much more mature about it this time, because this time I had a support system. So I talked to every queer identified person in the world and asked them what they thought. (What? You don't believe me? We have a listserv. There's a club. We talk.) And as I was waiting for all of their responses, I came to my own conclusion.
It's my own freaking identity! If I feel like lesbian is the word that fits me best, then I'm going to own it, damn it!
But it has left me with some questions. Why is it so freaking hard to be somewhere on the middle of a spectrum - whether homosexual or heterosexual, female or male, Democrat or Republican? What's with the black and white? What's with the one word answers to open ended questions?
Back in the day when I was in college, I remember reading an article about a woman who identified as a lesbian and married a man. She continued to identify as a lesbian even after the wedding. At the time, I was puzzled by this, but recently I've come to realize the importance of having an identity to which to cling, regardless of who you marry.
But what’s so wrong with calling yourself bisexual? Unfairly, maybe it’s because of the stigma bisexualidentified people have to deal with. Maybe it’s because they are seen as indecisive or promiscuous. Maybe it's because there are assumptions on the part of some queer people and straight people alike that bisexuality doesn't exist. Or maybe, in this woman's case, she just felt her identity was a lesbian.
I’d like to say I live under the title of lesbian because it fits me perfectly, but I don’t think that’s true. I've chosen it because it is probably the word with which I most closely identify, but also because it gives me a group - a community I adore - to belong to. And maybe because it’s easier than other options, easier than the gray, somewhere-on-the-spectrum explanation.
It’s the day after the elections,
and my Facebook and Twitter have been bombarded by statuses and Tweets
exclaiming either exhilaration or bone-deep disappointment.Sitting in class this morning, I listened as
people either aired their angsts or sat in glee of their perceived
victory.While a part of me is relieved
that the whole mess of an election is over for now, mostly all I feel is
frustration so intense it almost brings me to tears.I feel this way not because my candidate won
or lost, or because my ideals were upheld or dismissed.No, I feel this way because all of those
Tweets, statuses, and conversations are showing me exactly what our country is
still missing.In the wake of some of the
most vicious, bloodthirsty campaigns I have ever seen, I think we as a people
need to take a good long look at ourselves and really see what it is we have
become, and what we need to do to change it.You’ve heard it before, and I’m saying it again.Our society is broken, and it’s going to take
a lot more than politics to fix it.
Remember him? Nice guy.
To that end, I
want to talk about love.I don’t mean
“Romeo and Juliet” love, or I’m-on-fire-for-you love.I want to talk about good old-fashioned,
all-inclusive, unconditional, world-changing, fire-in-my-heart, Jesus-kind-of-love.Yeah, I’m going to talk about Jesus.If you’re reading this and thinking “Oh
great, a Bible-thumper” or “No! Not Jesus” let me just stop your train of
thought right there.First off, you
obviously need to read most posts in this blog.Secondly, even if you don’t believe that Jesus is God Incarnate and the
Savior of the World, I think we can all agree he was a pretty decent guy with a
really good message.And since so many
people during this election process have been throwing around Christian “ideals”,
I think it would be a good idea to look at the man himself.What Jesus says about Love in the Gospels is
a message I think our country really needs right now, whether or not you won
last night.
A
new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved
you, that you also love one another. (NASB John 13:34)
What
kind of love are we talking about, exactly?It’s not an easy kind of love, but it is an all-consuming one.It’s the kind of love that keeps you from
judging someone based on what they look like, or where they stand in society.It might not lead you to the most popular
choice, but it is the kind of love that makes you listen to someone and get to
know them before you come to a conclusion about their character.This is the kind of love that keeps you from
turning your back on someone in need.The kind of love that causes your heart to ache when you hear of a grave
injustice in the world, and then that ache drives you to do something about it.It’s the kind of love that doesn’t shut out
people who have been deemed “undesirable”, but rather seeks those people out
because you recognize their importance.This is the kind of love that demands you respect someone not because of
what political party or ideology they hold on to, or if you agree with them
about certain issues, but because they are human and you are human.
Jesus healed the
lame and the sick, gave sight to the blind, dined with tax-collectors, and let
the little children come to him.He
reached out to the marginalized, the “undesired”, the people society pretended
didn’t matter.Was Jesus wealthy and
influential?No.Was he a great political leader that everyone
rallied around?Not really.Jesus was simple, a poor carpenter who caught
the attention of a few people in his society, but he saw that the world was
broken and change needed to happen.He
believed everyone deserved love and respect, and specifically paid attention to
the people in his world that needed it most.In the end, his beliefs and his teachings about love and acceptance got
him killed…but we are still talking about him to this day.What if our society was like that?What if we actually gave a damn about the
people around us, even the ones we sometimes wish would just go away?What if we weren’t so focused on being right
all the time, or being in charge, and instead focused on the members of our
society who need our help the most?What
if we didn’t think about what political parties people aligned themselves with,
but instead helped those in need and accepted people’s differences simply
because it is the right thing to do?What
if, just for a moment, we didn’t think
about ourselves?
One
of the scribes came and heard them arguing, and recognizing that He had
answered them well, asked Him, “What commandment is the foremost of all?”Jesus answered, “The foremost is, ‘Hear, O
Israel! The Lord our God is one Lord; and you shall love the Lord your God with
all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all
your strength.’The second is this, ‘You
shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than
these.”
(NASB Mark 12: 28-31)
Jesus
holds up “love your neighbor as yourself” as one of the most important
commandments, second only to the commandment that there is one God and you
should love God with everything you have.The commandment “love your neighbor as yourself” even beats out murder
and honoring your father and mother!In
this passage, Jesus is relaying to his listeners that, next to God, love is the
end all be all.It’s not “love your
neighbor as yourself if…” or “love your neighbor as yourself unless…”No.The message is “love your neighbor as yourself” no matter what.The end.No ifs, ands, or buts about it.Well,
in the past few years our country has been doing a shit job of this.Even Christians, who are supposed to adhere to what Jesus has to say, have allowed
themselves to be swept up in the negativity and brokenness of a two-party
system that only pits people against each other.What if we did listen to this message,
though?Or one like it?What if we, as a people, adhered to a message
of compromise, compassion, and understanding instead of the currently popular
one of “us versus them”?What if,
instead of thinking of the other party as the enemy, we thought of them as a
partner?What if (and this one is really
crazy so brace yourselves) we treated
everyone with the respect and dignity we would want to be given in return?Did I blow your mind with that one?It’s okay…take a moment to collect yourself
before you read on.
But
I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless
those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. (NASB Luke 6:
27-28)
Why
did we let it get this bad?During the
entire campaign process, I was disgusted by the low-blows and out-and-out
attacks the candidates threw at each other (you should read my post about
political ads to get the full extent of how awful I thought all that was).What disturbed me more, however, was how the
American people treated each other.Neither
side is guilt-free for stereotyping, name-calling, finger-pointing, or just
plain ignorance when it came to the people of the opposing party.I have no doubt that feelings were hurt, and
friendships were fractured if not completely broken.And for what?To elect someone they don’t have a personal relationship with into a
seat of power from which he most likely CAN’T fulfill everything he promised
because too many factors go into the governing of this country.
This video kind of sums up the whole campaign.
Yes, people want
change and people want equality for all, which are very good things to want to
work for.This is all well and good (I’m
not going to lie, I was really hoping certain people wouldn’t get into power
after several very inappropriate and idiotic comments about rape), but it is
not worth destroying relationships and people over!Change can happen without being nasty about
it.Debates and campaigns can happen in
a respectable manner that doesn’t attack a candidate on a personal level,
merely a political one.And they don’t
even have to attack!There is a saying,
“Kill them with kindness”.If a
candidate presented themselves in a way in which they treated their opposition
with respect and civility, I would be much more inclined to choose that person
because they didn’t feel the need to publicly humiliate their opponent.But that just doesn’t happen anymore.The American people feed into the attack ads
and low-blow campaigns because we respond to them.We eat them up like they’re the truth, but
they’re really more like shit-popsicles, filling at first but they leave you
with a bad taste in your mouth and a nasty gut-ache later.People are divided and just refuse to work
together if they are not one the same side, and the whole nation suffers for
it.
I
have presented a lot of questions in this post, and not a lot of answers, but
that’s because I don’t have them.As
much as I hope and pray that things will get better, I don’t know what is going
to happen in the next four years.I do
know that change needs to happen, and a little love would go a long way in this
country. We have an opportunity to steer the country in a better direction, but we have to stop fighting and actually work together. As I finish this post, I can’t
help but wonder “what would Jesus do” if he was here now?Most likely, he would curse a whole lot of
fig trees and start flipping tables left and right before settling down and
telling us we are all idiots who need to get over ourselves and work through
our shit.And he would be right.
With the election right around the corner, we're hearing accusations on both sides of the aisle about how each candidate handles "women's" issues.
Interesting, politicians. What exactly is a women's issue?
Is it abortion and birth control? Whether or not Planned Parenthood will continue to be funded by government money? How many women have jobs right now? Something about single parents and guns?
I don't know about you, but I'm awfully sick of hearing about the "women's vote," as if all women will be voting the same way in this election.
Why are politicians only targeting female voters now? Why in the world haven't they been trying to win everyone's votes for their whole campaigns? And why is it assumed, by politicians and by the media, that only women care about so-called "women's" issues. That only women will be swayed one way or the other by how a politician will handle policies concerning women?
These issues - from rape to birth control - are issues that concern all of us. Just because you don't take birth control doesn't mean you shouldn't be concerned about it's access for those who want to use it. Just because you may be at a much lower risk of being raped simply because you are a man doesn't mean you shouldn't be concerned about those who are.
We should be outraged at the attitude about rape in this country. All of us should be outraged. This isn't an issue only for those who have been raped, only for those who fear rape, only for those who are statistically more likely to be raped. The minute you minimize this to a "women's" issue is the minute you dismiss it as something men don't have to care about.
I don't think all men are rapists. That isn't what I'm saying at all. I'm saying most men aren't rapists. I sincerely believe that most men think sexual assault is a horrific act. But when we hear men - men who are elected officials- say shit like "some girls rape easy," we know that all is not right in this country.
When we find a flier called "Top Ten Ways to Get Away with Rape" in a men's bathroom we know something is wrong.
These aren't just "women's" issues. Just because the population most at risk of being raped is women, doesn't mean men should turn off the news when the topic comes up. When the media casts these huge issues as only women's concern, they do this country a great disservice. These are issues that affect everyone in the United States (and beyond). These problems need to stop being labeled in such a way that makes people believe only women have to be concerned.
We should all be concerned.
Not just because we all have mothers and sisters, but because we're all human, damn it.
Why isn't anyone on the news curious how men are voting on so-called "women's" issues? Have they forgotten men will be voting in this election, too? On the very same issues women will be voting on?
Or is it because politicians spent their entire campaigns worrying about men's votes, so they have to spend the last couple of weeks on "everyone else?"
The media is essentially telling men to close their ears when something concerns women comes up. This attitude on "women's" issues is how we end up with bullshit like "legitimate rape." We need everyone to be informed - especially people who are making decisions about this countries' policies.
These are issues concerning women that we should all have thoughts about. This doesn't mean we control women, or tell them how to think or how to act. It means we all get informed on issues that affect those around us. Try talking to the people who are affected by the issue at hand.
I am a feminist because I believe woman are equal to (not superior to) men.
I am a feminist because I believe sex is what you make it,
not something inherently good or bad.
I am a feminist because I am not ashamed of having a vagina.
I am a feminist because I don’t believe “Eve” is proof that
women are inferior or should be submissive.
I am a feminist because I believe a woman’s “place” is
wherever she wants it to be.
I am a feminist because my uterus can sync up to the moon
and to other women’s uteruses, and that’s amazing and magical.
I am a feminist because I don’t want our future daughters to
worry about a wage gap.
I am a feminist because I see strong, powerful women like
Hillary Clinton and Julia Gillard and I am inspired, not threatened.
I am a feminist because I believe no one in the world can
make any decision about a fetus/baby/clump of cells inside of a woman except
that woman in that situation, no matter how I feel about abortion.
I am a feminist because I love men, and I think all people
deserve a partner in life, not a servant.
I am a feminist because it’s sexy. I am a feminist because it's not okay when people paint female politicians as "dykes," "man-haters," "emotional," or "hysterical" when they would never talk about male politicians that way. When they ask Hillary Clintonwhat designers she likes but would never ask a male politician what kind of suit he wears.
I am a feminist because I will not repress or stifle myself
to make someone else comfortable. I am a feminist because liking sex does not make someone a nymphomaniac or a slut.
I am a feminist because I don’t think anyone should need to avoid
going out at night because they might get raped. I am a feminist because I believe your boyfriend or husband shouldn't control what you wear, who you hang out with, or what you believe.
I am a feminist because I've been controlled, and I am never going back.
I am a feminist because when I’m home alone at night, I’m
scared, and I shouldn’t have to be.
I am a feminist because I believe in equal rights for ALL,
regardless of the color of their skin, the person they love, their religious
faith, or their genitalia.
I am a feminist because my Grandma ran for Iowa State Senate
in 1982, and lost because she was a woman.
I am a feminist because of everyone who died and sacrificed so that I could
have the right to vote.
I am a feminist because I love the color pink, cooking, wearing dresses, and I shave my legs and armpits... and that's okay.
