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| For real though. |
My lack of game and smoothness online
is not the point of this post, though.
As uncomfortable as this process has made me, it has also made me very
aware of a few things about myself.
Today in particular, I had a very major epiphany moment. I realized that when interacting with
potential romantic partners, there were some things about myself that I hesitated
to tell them. One of these things,
notably, was my career. I would
intentionally put off telling the guys I talked to that I was a campus minister. Why?
In all honesty, it’s because I didn’t want them to jump to any
conclusions or draw on any stereotypes they might have for that type of job and
apply them to me. I was scared of being
judged for doing something I love. And I
do LOVE my ministry. I love it and I am
proud of it. I worked hard to get my
degree and find my job, and I was lucky enough to find a position that was
exactly what I wanted to do in the area I wanted to be in. In summary: my career rocks, and anyone who
wants to try and judge me for it can suck it.
That’s easy to say now, after my
epiphany moment earlier today. It wasn’t
just my job, though. There were other,
more personal things and choices I’ve made that I was scared I would be judged
for. I was scared if a guy learned some
of these things, he would bolt and I’d never find love. I’d end up alone, with twelve cats, living in
a cabin in the woods and wearing floral nightgowns everyday (yeah…I’ve thought
pretty carefully about this). So, to
avoid this fate, I hid things about myself and hoped I could get a guy to fall
for me before he needed to know any of my “secrets.”
That was stupid. I was being so incredibly stupid, and worse
yet, I was chipping away at my self-esteem bit by tiny bit. Self-esteem I’d spent years building up, but that
was still fairly delicate. It wasn’t
until one particular conversation, where I was dodging questions out of fear of
revealing one of my “secrets” that I realized how totally idiotic I was
being. I have nothing to be ashamed of,
about any of the choices I’ve made, and what’s more, I’m not sorry for any of
them. So why should I be afraid to be totally
honest with the guys I was talking to? Didn’t
I want to be with someone who accepted me for who I was, what I did, and what I
valued? Did I really want to be with
someone who didn’t accept me for who
I really was? Someone I had to change
myself to be with?
No. Hell no.
I’d rather be single.
That’s when the epiphany really
hit. I have no reason to hide anything
about myself from anyone. I’m not ashamed
of myself, I’m not embarrassed by what I do.
I’m good at what I do, and I’m proud of who I am. If a guy is scared off by anything that I
bring to the table, that’s his problem, not mine. Dating in the adult world is hard enough
without pretending to be someone I’m not, or wasting time with people who don’t
actually like me. So, I’m going to keep
at it, but I’m not going to play games.
I’m going to be honest. I’m going
to be myself. Maybe I’ll find someone,
maybe I won’t. However I end up, though,
I’m going to be me, and I’m not going to apologize for it.
Have you ever held part of
yourself back in a relationship because you were afraid of rejection? Are you lucky enough to have someone who does accept everything about you? Tell me about it in the comment section below. The good, the bad…we all have stories to
tell.
Until next time,
Erin B.
Because I like to end on a laugh. P.S. if anyone throws any of these your way, online or in person, RUN!
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